Here I Go Again

  Well, here goes nothing. Again. And no, for those of you thinking "oh no, he's got it over Jill again," you're quite wrong. See, Eric got over that whole thing earlier, and now I've decided that those affections need to be transferred to someone else, someone who deserves them.

  So what is it that keeps me going like this? To be able to love, get hurt in some of the worst ways possible, pick up the pieces and sally forth? I really don't know how I've managed to do this over the last six or so years, but somehow, I have.

  Breann will tell you that I have the worst luck with women she's ever seen. Well, this bad luck can't last forever. It's like the great philosophiser David Coverdale once said...

  "I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been. Hanging on the promises and the songs of yesterday. And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time..."

  OK, so he used Ain't and made it a double negative. Rap music does it all the time...

Posted by Eric @ 2:05pm, 07-30-04

Keep Me In Your Heart For A While

  Whatever it is that everyone does when someone is having a serious down period, I ask that you all concentrate it now on [wil], Anne and their boys. I have no details other than what Wil has posted on the [site], nor do I want any. Just please, for the Wheaton family and those around them, keep them in your heart for a while...

Posted by Eric @ 2:20am, 07-29-04

It's Been A While

  Wow. July sure has been a long-ass month. The July Archive has become the biggest on the site thanks to my little three part therapy session. My brain is ready to take a vacation whether I like it or not. Needless to say, my tired dude has earned his first usage.

  Going to be an interesting week. Boss is going away, and operations fall squarely on all of us. Let's see if we can't keep the joint from falling apart now, shall we?

  Houtzdale Days is this week. Normally, I'd avoid this thing like the plague. But this year, I kinda have to be there. Once again, I'll be reminded exactly why I hate the people in this town...

  Well, time to go earn that dollar. Let's hope there's no Doucebaggary like there was last Tuesday...

Posted by Eric @ 3:429m, 07-27-04

...Lost Out In Space...

  Remember when I said [this]? Of course you do, it was only three days ago...

  You know, I can't help but feel terrible that what happened tonight, happened at all. It bummed me out the moment I heard it, and even now, I'm on the verge of bawling. Hence my little mood indicator dude cries for the first time here at the Ranch.

  Yep, it happened. He told her. Not what I expected to hear him tell her, but still devestating enough.

  Even though she'll probably kick my arse tomorrow for doing this, it has to be said. And you all know me, I have to do it on a world stage.

  I'm so sorry, Candice. I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this BS. Trust me, I've been there, and I've done it. I know exactly how you feel. And I know that it's one of the worst feelings in the world. You're not alone in what you're going through.

  I wish I could change it all and make it right for you. God knows I've tried to do that with my own life hundreds of times, and each time, I was reminded of how futile trying to change these sorts of things is.

  If there's one thing I believe in, it's that we all have the right to be happy. So do you. Someday, I hope you will be. I just wish there was something I could say, something I could do, ANYTHING, that would make the hurt go away. Hell, I'd even pray to the Judeo-Christian God if I thought it would ease the pain you're feeling now.

  Yes, I DO care how much your life sucks. Why? Because maybe I'd like a shot at trying to make it a little better. I know I can never be a cure-all for your ills, but the least I can do is this: I can make you smile. I do it everytime I see you, at least once. I can make you laugh. I do that everytime, too, whether you laugh at my jokes or just laugh at me in general. I don't care how, as long as you laugh and feel happy.

  That's what you deserve most of all, Candice. To feel happy...

  You'll always have someone who cares about you, kiddo. That, I promise you...

Posted by Eric @ 3:42am, 07-24-04

F**kin' Up My Christmas...

  Everybody knows I'm not fond of Rap. I guess I should be more specific. I don't like new rap. All sounds the same to me. Rapping about money and hos, the same tired beats, the same tired lyrics. BORING!

  But all rejoice! For there is a new voice in Rap Music today, one that speaks to the hardcore nerd in all of us. His name is [mc chris], and he's now permalinked in my Listen menu over there on the right of the page, right along with KMFDM and Type O Negative.

  [mc chris], real name Chris Ward, is one of my favorite artists/voiceover actors out there. Not only has he produced three killer albums, but he does voices on [adult swim] as well. Catch him as Hesh on Sealab 2021, MC PeePants on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and in many of the other AS shows! He'll be in the new Venture Brothers cartoon, too. That one's a HILLARIOUS rip-off of Johnny Quest, not to be missed...

  So go check out [mc's site]. Download his first album, Life's A Bitch and I'm Her Pimp (featuring Fette's Vette, The Tussin, and more), listen, be amazed, and then buy his other albums! And, when mc finally gets to tour, look for him in our area! I'm gonna do my damndest to get him booked up here...

Posted by Eric @ 1:57pm, 07-22-04

You Were Looking Down On Me...

  What do we ever to do deserve the messed up crap that we're given to deal with?

  We all know about my crap-luck when it comes to ladies. But here's a bit of a different tale for you all. Yes, it's a true story. What happens to us guys sometimes happens to the girls as well.

  Just when I thought my luck wouldn't get any weirder, along comes this particular girl I know. Honestly, I'm kinda sweet on her. She's a really nice girl, cute, and alot of fun to be around. Well, as fate would have it (*curses the world's many gods for pointing and laughing at me*), she's not too into me. Oh well, nothing new, right? But then, I started to catch glimpses of her troubles as well.

  There's this one guy she likes, but he's sketchy, especially recently. She told me she's sure he's going to come see her and tell her he doesn't like her anymore. Now, she's gone and put all this effort into trying to get something started with this guy. That would devestate her. Just like it did [with me]...

  There's another one. They spend a good deal of time talking, and she's so sure he's the perfect guy. But the killer this time? The dude is married, and isn't about to bail on that scene anytime soon. Again, she's left devestated. Hmmmm, someone who's perfect for you, but you can't ever have. [sounds familiar]...

  Honestly, I wish she'd look right in front of her and see that she's not alone. Maybe this kindred spirit she has, goofy and messed up as he may be, could be good for her. Will she take that chance? Chances are no, but hey. You never know...

Posted by Eric @ 11:59pm, 07-21-04

26.2 mi. + $28,135 = \m/

  Wil. Wheaton. RAWKS!

  See those numbers? Those are numbers to be damn sure proud of. Wil's wife Anne just posted the somewhat-late but still awesome [recounting] of their participation in the San Diego Relay for Life Marathon.

  26.1 miles is insane. I've done CROP Walks which are six miles, and felt like complete crap afterwards. But this is without training, which Wil and Anne put themselves through in the months leading up to the marathon. They made the pace time and were able to finish the whole thing in 7hr 15min. Damn! CROP walks take me at most two hours if I walk a good clip the whole way. I can do five miles in an hour and a half with no training. So that puts me on pace for a 10 hour finish. Ohy!

  The big reason they did it, though, was for their friend Kris, who was treated for cancer not even a few weeks before the Marathon. That's a friend, don't you think? Hits close to home for me, because my Aunt Mardine died of breast cancer, and whenever I do an event, I do it in her memory. When it's personal, you tend to go the extra mile.

  So kudos to Wil and Anne! And kudos to the [wwdn] faithful who donated to their cause! $28,135 is well over the original $25K goal. Wish I had the pull to raise that kind of cash for a cause like this...

  Before I go, though, all behold the new link! Yes, that's Chuck, one of my bosses. And Harv Party is his website. So, in honor of him, I'm doing up some link banners, buttons, and other such crap. Here's the first of the buttons, kinda sorta...

Posted by Eric @ 2:20am, 07-20-04

The Aftermath

  Ahh, yes. I'm sure you've all noticed the little yellow guy up there. That's my mood indicator dude. There are twelve of them. Here they are, along with a short description:

	Happy - I'm in a general good mood...
	Sad - Most likely the opposite of happy...
	Ultra Happy - Most likely many times that of Happy...
	Straight-faced - Just one of those "blah" moments...
	Bawling - There's probably a good reason why I am...
	Worried - Something is not right, not right at all...
	Indifferent - When I don't give a rat's arse..
	Tired - It's late, and I can't sleep... Again...
	Surprised - WTF?!?
	Pissed - Yep, I'm mad. Look out.
	Twitterpated - Some lucky lady has caught my eye...
	Hammered - I'm Ducking Frunk. Had nine too ma-*hic*-many...

  Now you're all familiar with my mood indicator system. I might add smileys to it as I see fit, who knows.

  So, I've written three rather involved goodbyes. I've posted them each for three days, for the world to read, digest, and determine what they will from it. If you missed them, they are [the destroyer], [the outsider], and [the creator], and can be found in the [july 2004 archive]. Now it's time to sort it all out and see what this leaves me with.

  On the positive side, I'm left with a wide-open future: blank pages to be written upon, new adventures to be had, and new possibilities for my insatiable need for love. I'm free of the trappings of my past. I can now look forward to what lies ahead of me, and face it with a better understanding of the world, of love, and most importantly, of myself. This isn't a quick fix, mind you all. This will take a bit to settle in, but I don't forsee it taking very long. There are already new doors opening to me, and I can finally see light at the end of this tunnel my life is passing through.

  On the negative side, I'm left with not one, but two holes in my heart: One for Liza, and one for Jill. I honestly and genuinely loved, and still love, both of them. But I have to let go, so the holes must exist. In time, they will heal. Jill's, I fear, will take the longest, and will require some assistance. But these are the sacrifices we make sometimes, I suppose.

  Erina? I've come to realize that she isn't worth a hole in my heart anymore, now that the one she created five years ago has healed, scarred over, and now beats in time once again. Her link will remain, though she doesn't much update anymore. It's always fun to check in on the ex, isn't it? I'm sure she reads the Ranch on a semi-regular basis, if only just to see what "mindless drivel" is coming out of my head.

  Now, it's all gone. All of it. I've done what I can do. Now, I have to move ahead. Time to open a new chapter in my life. What it's about, I have no clue. But hey. The ride's been interesting this far. Can't be any less interesting the rest of the way...

Posted by Eric @ 4:06am, 07-19-04

The Creator

  And so, we come to the tale that will end all tales. 10 years of my life. 10 years I gave of my heart. When all else was dark in my life, The Creator was a dim but still-shining light in the void. All because she created me. She made me who I am. She made me what I am. Because of her, this is how I will always be. Somehow, she made me believe that there was something special waiting for me along the troubled road of life.

  Because of Amanda Jill Mitchell, I am doomed to Love.

  My god, how do I begin? How can I recount everything and still say goodbye? 10 years is alot of time for a 26 year old kid like me to devote his heart to something, and then just let it go. But that is what has to be done here. That is my goal. Today, I let go for the last time.

  Being a band geek was fun. I got to roll around to all the parades, take all the trips to places like Kennywood, and in the end, earned myself the only piece of Moshannon Valley apparel with my name and grad year (96) embroidered on it. But being a part of the band scene also allowed me to meet the girl who would change my life forever, and would carve her name into my heart and soul the hard way.

  Curwensville Days is starting to be a common theme, isn't it. Yeah, I thought so. But this was a full two years before I met Erina. At the time, I was fooling around with another girl named Jill, oddly enough. Through her, I met Amanda Jill (from here on, just Jill). Immediately I was enthralled with her. She was the single most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, then or since. Her voice was like that of an angel, and when she sang... Oh GOD when she sang...

  See? See what she did? Anyway, you can probably guess that I was more than thrilled that she wanted to see more of me, though the entire 10 years we would be nothing more than friends. Spending time with Jill took over my priorities. I'd delay my trips to Clearfield to meet Jill after school in the P-O High parking lot. There, we would sit in the Escort and talk about whatever came to mind.

  Back then, The Lion King was released on video, and I had become addicted to its soundtrack. I took it with me wherever I went, and would play it while I sat with Jill. Together, we would sing mini duets, with her doing the part of Nala, while I did the part of Simba.

  This is how we got our nicknames for each other. I know she will always be my Nala, and she says I'll always be her Simba...

  At the time, Jill was seeing a guy named Terry, a supposed bible-beater who in reality was a somewhat physically abusive control freak. I don't really know what Jill saw in him, but she stayed with this guy the whole time, even though she and I were together almost every other night.

  I'd drive to her house, sit in her room, and cuddle up with her on the bed. From there, we'd just talk about whatever. Music, her past, my past, school, anything that came to our minds. Those moments I cherished like nobody's business.

  For Christmas that year, I arrived at her house with Ozzy in tow. Ozzy was a teddy bear I knew she'd love, given her addiction to stuffed animals. It was terribly sappy, really, I knew all her likes, dislikes, and loves, and was able to think of the perfect gift. As far as I know, she still has Ozzy Bear to this day...

  But back then, she couldn't see me as more than the boy in the trenchcoat. The odd kid who was fun to talk to, kind and thoughtful, but nothing more than a friend. Someone who claimed to love her, but couldn't be serious. I don't know why she didn't see that I was terribly serious. Friends and friends alone we remained.

  Until one fateful night in February, 1995, when everything came crashing to a halt, and I experienced the most poignient moment in my life, ever.

  I don't even remember what went wrong. I can't for the life of me remember why there was drama, but there was. For some reason or another, Jill's uncle and I got into an argument, and he asked me to leave. Rather than make things worse and keep arguing, I decided to leave. I did, but not before I went the long way around the yard and up to Jill's bedroom window to tell her what had happened.

  There was damn near two feet of snow on the ground leading up to her window thanks to the drifting that year. The good part was, it was relativly solid that night, and made transit over the drifts a bit easier. Loose powder was blowing around, but no new snow had fallen in almost a day. Crystals of ice glistened as they blew under the blue glare of the arc light. Damn, I remember it like it was yesterday.

  I'm pretty sure she was crying when I got to her windowsill, and I'm pretty sure I wiped the tears from her eyes before I outlined what I thought would be my fate. Given my situation, I was thinking of going to Boston with some friends for a while, getting away from my life in Central Pennsylvania. That never happened, though. What did happen that night, though, was the greatest moment of bliss I have ever experienced.

  As I said goodbye, I told her I loved her, and we both leaned in for the single greatest kiss I've ever recieved. It only lasted a moment or two, no tounge, just pure emotional joy. That's all I can remember feeling. And, when I think back to that moment, I can see that kiss from every possible angle imaginable. It was that powerful a moment for me.

  For the first time, I was sure of it: I was in love.

  That would be the last time I would see, or speak to Jill for six years. During that time, I would go through quite a few life changes, including my last, hate-filled year of High School, moving to Pittsburgh, and going through the nightmare that was my time with Erina. But at the heart of it all, the one thing that made me smile, even in my darkest hour, was thinking back to that one moment in time I had at Jill's windowsill. Thinking back to duets in the Escort after school. Thinking of my Nala always made me smile...

  Not long before my return from Pittsburgh, I began to think back to Jill more and more. After everything I'd been through with Erina, I needed something, someone, to make me smile, even though they were nowhere near where I was. All I had to do was think back to some of our nights huddled up on her bed. Even with all the chaos in the world around us, those nights were like we were immune from everything else. The world left us alone. We were free to smile, laugh, hold each other's hands and be happy.

  When I knew I was coming back home, I sat down and told Tom the story up to that point. As my best friend, he felt that it'd be a good thing for me to go home and try to find Jill again, if only just to let her know that I still felt for her as strongly as I did. Well, Tommy, you were sorta right. Here I am...

  At any rate, after my return, I began to piece together her fate after that night at her windowsill. She'd broken up with and beaten the snot out of the boyfriend she had when I left her, gotten married, was going through a divorce and living with a new boyfriend. Thanks to Nichole, who lived in State College, I had an excuse to go and see Jill for the first time in six years. She was working at a store in the Nittany Mall, so I had a public venue and a nearby staging pad.

  I summoned up what courage I could and we left to head to the mall. When we got there, I intentionally parked at the end opposite that of her store. I wanted to take it slow. When we reached her store, and I saw her for the first time, my nervous system went to total hell. She was still as beautiful as the night I'd walked away from her house, and she had more of a disarming effect on me at that moment than she'd ever had before.

  As I walked into the store behind Nichole, my heart jumped up into my throat. After six years of absolute zero contact, I had again become a puddle of mush, and needed some extra time. So, while Nichole went to talk to Jill, I went to the counter and started messing with random stuff. They were right behind me, and I could hear bits and pieces of the conversation. When I herd Jill say "It's been a long time," and Nichole say "Yes, it has been," I knew that my moment was at hand. I turned around, and simply said "Hey, don't forget me..."

  Her reaction was one I didn't expect. Her reaction was one I didn't expect. She put her hand over her heart, and jumped back about four or five feet, yelling "Oh my God!" The good news was, she remembered me, and judging by the reaction, she was rather fond of me still, even after six years.

  After that moment, there was a bit of banter back and forth on the phone, but not much beyond that. I did manage to tell her, though, that I was in fact in love with her. Over the years, you see, I've learned how to open up and express how I feel instead of being Mr. Nervous Kid and not saying a damn word.

  You know, this whole thing was so much easier when I was in second grade and had a crush on that girl, Marlena. Even at that age, we were all about the puppy love. Wonder whatever happened to her...

  Again, I digress. I do this alot. But anywho, Jill remained in State College, and by this time, I'd started my whole misadventure with Liza. It would take two years before Jill and I would speak in any great amount again. It would also take my own death for her to call me on her own for the first time in eight years.

  You see, in 2002, this kid named Aaron Jacobson (see where the problem is? No relation of mine, by the way) died of an apparent drug overdose one night. Suddenly, the rumors flew. People instantly mistook Aaron for Eric, and once again (this had happened before) I became the walking dead. I found out by walking into my friend Ricky's tattoo shop, and him telling me I looked pretty damn good for a dead guy. It wasn't til a few days later, though, that I would learn what lead alot of people to think I was dead, and what lead Jill to finally call me.

  Aaron, I guess, frequented Leather & Lace (now called Time Square), and they wanted to place a memorial to him in a local classified rag known as the Ad Bargain. I'm guessing that the ladies who run the mag misunderstood what the bar folk said over the phone, and mistook Aaron as Eric. What ended up in the actual print was this: "Eric Jacobson: We'll Miss Your Smiling Face - Leather & Lace, Glen Richey, PA"

  This is what Jill saw, and this is what prompted her to call me for the first time in a very long time. Of course, I wasn't dead, which was a serious relief to her. Once again, I had a multi-year gap of her history to fill. Turns out that the divorce was now final, and she was living with this complete asshat named Steve. Problem? She was living about six miles from me, the closest we've ever been for any period of time.

  Other problem: Steve was the kind of guy you'ld love to castrate and forcefeed him his own testicles. He had effectively cut her off from her family and friends, and was most certainly not fond of me when he learned of my existance. He gambled away both her money and his own, often driving her to have to seek a loan from someone just to make bills at times. On top of this, he treated her like general crap any other time, talking down to her, calling her names, anything he could to keep her afraid and in line.

  Yep, you know me. I had to be the Knight in Shining Armor. After all, it's what she created. I was her personal, custom-made Prince Charming, firey steed and all. And I tried like hell to bring her out of that mess. I had friends who were part of her family, and they all knew the story of me. They wanted to see her with me as much as I did, if only to get her away from Steve.

  But she wouldn't go. For some odd reason, she stayed with him.

  January 31st, 2003. A night that neither I, nor the rest of the world will forget, for different reasons. I was at Electric Avenue that night, and Jill had told me she'd call me to come over if Steve was still in Canada at Casino Niagra. With him out of the country, let alone out of town, I saw the perfect oppertunity to try and talk to her directly. Well, she called, and by midnight, I was on my way to Osceola.

  There, we sat, and we cuddled like we used to, and I listened to every word she had to say. She talked about life with Steve, all the things he does to her, all the times she's missed her family and not been able to do anything about it because of him. Not easy stuff for me to hear, mind you, but given that I'd heard it all before from this very same girl on different matters, it was no great loss at all for me to listen. That was my job. I was her venting target. Anything she had to say, she could say to me without fear of judgment.

  Hey, she created me, blame her, OK?

  Somewhere along the line, we managed to share our first kiss in over eight years that night as well. But still, nothing happened. She asked me why, once. So many guys took advantage of her when she was younger, but I never tried. My reason? I was in love, and I wanted, more than anything in the world, to prove to Jill that I was in it for her, not just what I could get from her. I wanted her to know that I was for real, that I was deathly serious, and I had every intention of being true, honest, and loyal to her.

  Yeah yeah, I know. Bull***t, right? Wrong. I mean every word of that to this day, and I will die by those words, that I promise you all.

  When I left that morning, I was on top of the world. Jill watched me walk down the driveway to my car, and I looked to the sky and laughed, challanging whatever god was up there to take away the happiness I'd felt in those previous four hours. I shouldn't have done that, I think...

  At dawn, on February 1st, 2003, the Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrated on re-entry over Texas, killing all those on board.

  Still, though, she wouldn't leave him. No matter how hard any of us tried, she wouldn't let go of Steve. He was like a virus that had infected her mind. Until...

  Saint Patrick's Day, this year. For the three days prior to the holiday, Jill's cousin had been trying to get ahold of me like crazy with news that would floor me. By the time she did get ahold of me, early on during my patron saint's holiday (yes, I'm an Atheist with a patron saint. Sue me...), what I heard sent my mind into a crazy sort of spiral.

  Jill had left Steve, this time for good. After 10 years, she was single again.

  But, fate wasn't done playing with my mind just yet. In fact, it still isn't. Because this story brings us to this exact moment, and when it's finally done, this post will be the last word. I hate to do it, but it has to be done. Anyway, to continue...

  Yes, now Jill was single. Of course, I was elated. But of course, I had to make room, because she was going to need some time. Or so I thought.

  Already she had a new man in mind, one Lee. The trouble is, I really like this guy. He's a good man. If anyone were to have her besides me, I'd want it to be someone like him.

  And so, we come to the end of this road I've chosen to travel. It's time for me to pick a different path, one that will take me heaven knows where. But I can no longer travel down this one. It will be the death of me emotionally and physically if I do...

  Amanda Jill Mitchell. From the day I met you, I loved you. From the moment I heard you speak, I loved you. From the moment I heard you sing, I loved you. From the moment I said goodbye at your windowsill, I loved you. When I was in Pittsburgh, I loved you. When I went through what I did with Erina, I loved you. When you were wasting your life with Steve, I loved you. To this very day, and every day from this one on, I will always love you.

  But I can no longer be a part of your life.

  I have spent 10 years of my life trying to be something I'm just not destined to be in your eyes. I have molded my very belief in love on what I feel for you, what you do to me, what I've seen in my dreams. I've walked through hell and back for this.

  And I guess I did it for no reason.

  Here ends my belief in you and I, Amanda. Here ends my hope that one day, you would be happy, and I'd be the guy making you happy. You tell me you haven't chosen anyone. Then why do I hear that you've accepted a proposal from Lee? Looks like you've made your choice, Amanda. And I'm obviously not that choice.

  From you, my lessons are the harshest. From you, I learn that love, while worth believing in, isn't worth devoting your life to when you're being strung along by your heartstrings. From you, I learn that sometimes, there is such a thing as false hope. From you, I learn what it's like to always be the backup, never the first-stringer. From you, I learned to harden my heart.

  The very heart you helped build, you helped sealyourself off from for the rest of your life.

  Yes, my feelings for you will never change. You have always had that promise from me.

  Now you have a new promise from me. Never again will I waste my time, my emotions, my heart, and my soul, on someone who is too blind to see what they had right in front of them.

  From you, I learned to love. The greatest love of all, something you created, will go to someone else. I'm tired of it. I'm done.

  Do Svidanja, Amanda Jill... Forever.

Posted by Eric @ 5:43am, 07-16-04

The Outsider

  After the whole mess with Erina, I found myself unsure of whether or not I could open myself up to someone again. After all, I'd been hurt so badly the first time I tried, and given my situation at the time I got over Erina, I didn't feel right trying again. Thus began my long, self-imposed single period. I resolved myself to being a sort of non-active player.

  In 2000, I was hanging out with Allen and Dave alot, and our travels took us to the Houtzdale Days Fire Hall dance. That's where I initially met Liza. Originally, she was part of the plan known as "The Get Dave Laid Foundation." The idea was she'd meet us three at the rink the next night, and she'd break Dave into the wonderful world of the Sexually Active.

  Somehow, plans changed, and I ended up leaving with Liza. Such was the beginning of one of the more sad relationships I've had. One that would see me take a long time to want to open myself up, and when I did, Liza had changed her mind.

  For three and a half years, we were on-again off-again lovers. She cheated on two of her boyfriends with me. One because he was away all week at work out of state, and the other, well, I still don't know why she did, but she did it to him twice. In fact, that's the guy she ultimately left me behind for. He never knew she cheated on him with me, before she left him for me.

  Early on, I really didn't want to try anything serious with Liza. Honestly, she was pretty much just a fling to me. There were other girls, including the Creator, to worry about serious relationships with. Liza, she was an escape from that. A chance for me to be the complete opposite of who I was in a relationship setting.

  My problem was, Liza was damn near in love with me. She tried endlessly to tame me, to make me settle down and be with her. When I think about it, she did what I've tried to do to the Creator, only she wised up faster than I did.

  When finally I realized that I had been wrong the entire time - that I had one of the greatest loves I porbably would ever know right there in front of me, and that I COULD open up to her without fear - it was too late. I guess she had just given up on me. She turned and walked back to the guy she was with prior to me.

  A short story, I know. But what did I learn? Quite a bit.

  I learned that, when love is staring you square in the eye, screaming in your ear to be taken, you have to take the signs and run with them. You can't be afraid for one reason or another. You have to grab hold and not let go.

  I learned a little about myself yet again, that I was capable of opening my heart to someone again, and surviving when that openness is no longer desired. My wounds have healed, and I'm able to be who and what I am. Not to say that my heart isn't scarred, by both The Destroyer and The Outsider, and even The Creator. Those scars have taught me that what I believe in doesn't die. It lives on, no matter what.

  I learned that, even though she and I will likely never speak to each other again, let alone be together, I do have a kindred spirit out there. Liza is more like me than anyone I ever dated. She and I share a love of alot of the same things, and a mutual hatred of many, many others. She's very intelligent, wise beyond her years, and very much headed for great things.

  And I learned of a love that I know I will miss, dearly. A love that I let slip through my fingers. I will genuinely miss you, Liza. Thank you for showing me that, yes, I CAN love again...

  And I'm sorry I took to long to see what I should have seen all along.

  Do Svidanja, Liza...

Posted by Eric @ 2:43am, 07-13-04

The Destroyer

  Of all my many relationships in the past 12 years, the one that went the farthest was that which I had with Erina. To Erina, I gave two years of my life, along with most of my sanity, and I almost lost who I was in the process. Erina built me up to my highest height, and drove me to my lowest depth. For a year after her and I parted ways, I really couldn't function properly. She'd argue that I still can't now.

  I first met Erina when I was 18. At the time, I had just graduated High School (thank the maker), and was waiting to go to Pittsburgh for what I thought would be quite the adventure. Little did I know that it was about to take a dive before it ever began.

  Erina I met at Curwensville days, of course. She really was a beautiful girl, and hella hot let me tell you. And I really should have noticed this right away, but she was VERY naive. She was dating a guy, and I guess she wanted an escape and saw it in me. For three days, we fooled around. It never got much further than second base, maybe halfway to third depending on how you call it. After that, I sorta vanished.

  I moved to Pittsburgh for college, and didn't give much thought to Erina for the next year (though she has told me that she liked to piss her ex off by wondering out loud what I was doing wherever I was). School went well until halfway through my fourth quarter, when my wisdom teeth forced me to cut my tenure short and return home, doomed to repeat the entire quarter no matter what.

  It was at that time when I made a fateful decision, one that would lead me to hate Disney movies.

  After I'd gone through the joy of getting teeth cut out of my face, I allowed myself to settle in and enjoy the rest of my time at home. The quarter was five weeks old when I left, and recovery took me two weeks, leaving me with a happy month of time off. I don't know what day it was, but I remember the moment well...

  It was a sunny afternoon. At my cousin Ryan's house in Hyde, the sunlight was broken by the canopy of trees that dominated the area surrounding his property. I was sitting on the porch, smoking a Marlboro, when the desire to see a movie hit me. For some reason, I settled on Hercules, and resolved to find a date.

  Bet you'll never guess who's name popped into my head...

  Asking Ryan for the phonebook, I hit the talk button and dialed Erina's number, wondering if she remembered who I was, let alone if she wanted to go to a movie with me or not. To my surprise, she remembered me, and was eager to go along to the Ritz and see Hercules.

  And so began the best year of my life.

  To be immediately followed by the worst, of course. Bit I digress...

  Erina and I spent a whole mess of time either together or on the phone with each other over the course of that month, and when the time came for me to return to Pittsburgh, I had decided that I didn't want things to end with her. The day I left to drive back, I stopped at her house, gave her one red rose, and set the stage for the happiest times I'd had at that point.

  Over the next year, things went beautifuly for Erina and I. She'd come to visit me in Pittsburgh when she could, and I would get home every chance I had to see her. Somehow, 125 miles didn't seem like all that much to us. I fell in love with her fairly hard. How hard I was about to fall, though, wasn't quite apparent yet.

  Upon my return to Pittsburgh, I'd moved from Allegheny Center to Mount Washington with Paul, Marty and a third roommate who didn't move in until three months later. That roommate was Ron Torday.* For the three months he wasn't there, nothing really went wrong. It wasn't until about four months after he moved in that I started to notice the signes of what would be my ultimate downfall.

  When Erina would come visit me, Ron would do the slightest things to flirt with her. It didn't take me long to realize that he was trying to undercut me. After all, he always heard me ranting and raving about how in love with her I was, and our plans for a future together, etc. It was too perfect for him. He saw an oppertunity to be the lowest form of life on earth and ruin somebody's happiness for a piece of arse.

  Things degraded around the Mount Washington apartment at the same time, mostly due to Ron being the underhanded slime he was, and the rest due to me overreacting to what was happening around me. In the end, Ron decided to pile my stuff, all of it, into one corner of the room we shared, and the others decided that it was time for me to go. I wholeheartedly agreed, and went home that night, returning to Pittsburgh two days later to claim what stuff of mine I couldn't pack into my little Escort.

  The mounting pressure in Pittsburgh also carried home to my relationship with Erina, and, though I couldn't really see it at the time due to my anger, our relationship was deteriorating as well. I was going to Pittsburgh in small bursts until Tom offered me a spot in his apartment out in Ross Township. My first few months there would be the last truely happy times I would experience for quite a while.

  One night, I was on the phone with Erina, who was at a local punk/ska/whatever show in Grampian. That kind of music wasn't (and still isn't, really) my cup of tea, and I passed it off as a waste of time, acting annoyed by the fact that she was at a show devoted to the garbage. Apparently, this was the catylist she needed to allow her naivety to shine through.

  Not long after, she wrote Ron a letter giving him directions to her house. Ron went there one weekend without me knowing, and slept with Erina. I didn't find out until the new quarter began around that time, and I saw Ron at a friend's house in the North Side. He was acting overly friendly, which struck me as odd. What he said next set off an alarm in my head.

  He told me that Erina had called the Mount Washington apartment. Now, she knew the number at my new apartment on McKnight Road, so why would she call up there at all? She knew I was pissed at them for booting me, and I was pretty sure she was on my side at that point. Boy, was I wrong.

  After I got back to the McKnight apartment, I called Erina, only to have her tell me what I feared the most. She owned up to it almost immediately, crying the entire time. First, she told me about how Ron had come down and spent the night, ultimately telling me the whole story after some questioning by me. I was devistated.

  More than devestated. I was destroyed. That was the first day of the worst year of my life.

  Stupid me, I didn't break up with her when I should have. No, I decided to stay with her. That was my ultimate mistake. Over the next year, I would make stupid, sometimes asinine decisions that drove me to near madness, and almost killed the decent person that I am at heart. I became a jealousy-driven, controlling monster. I'd get mad at Erina for even looking at another guy. I'd constantly bring up what she did to make her feel guilty. I'd let the story slip in situations I never would have otherwise, telling people who simply had no need to know it at all.

  This continued for pretty much the next year, and slowly, I self destructed on the inside at the same time. My grades fell, my relations with people began to turn sour, and I turned inward, trying desperately to recover what little shred of my dreams I had left with Erina.

  For some odd reason, probably an attempt to keep Erina in my life and an attempt to bring myself some personal stability, I asked Erina to marry me not long after the whole Ron incident. I'm pretty sure she wasn't in her right mind either, but she said yes, and we were officially engaged.

  Down the road, though, it was clear that things were over, and she gave the ring back to me. That was the beginning of the end for her and I. By then, I'd made my final move back to the North Side of Pittsburgh, and began a year of lonliness and personal reflection. The quarter before I graduated from the Art Institute, Erina and I finally called it quits.

  Well, more like she did. Me? I pretty much descended into my own little private hell, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and how I could go about fixing it.

  Erina had replaced me almost immediately, while I restricted myself to the single life. In fact, I didn't even try dating again until Liza, but that's another story for another entry. Anywho, I spent the rest of my time sitting alone in my apartment after graduation, thinking about the whole situation.

  It took me a year after the breakup to come to terms with what I'd done. It's hard for someone who has nothing but pride left to his name to put all that aside and realize that he screwed up, especially when you screw up as big as I did. But the one thing that dogged me was the fact that I couldn't get over Erina. That all changed one night, though, after I had moved back home to Central Pennsylvania.

  Tom's band was playing a show out in Culmerville, and my friend Nichole and I decided to drive down to see them. Thankfully, I decided to take my 8mm video camera as well, because that night was to be the most profound for me since my split from Erina.

  You see, when Erina and I got together the second time (a year after we first met), we were at Curwensville Days, where a band called House Rules was playing. While we sat near the road leading to the campsites, the band, led by the late Troy McCartney (RIP, Bro), played one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs, Comfortably Numb. It was that moment that I knew I was falling in love with her.

  They say that irony is a mofo. Go figure, right? That night at Culmerville, the band invited me up on stage, and we performed Comfortably Numb. In the eight minutes I was on stage, singing that song, everything I felt for Erina went away. I could feel who I used to be before my nightmare began returning to me, and for once, I was able to smile without faking it. Thanks to the video camera, I was able to get a rough audio recording of the performance.

  My recent dealings with Erina are well documented in the Archives, so I'll not go into them now. If you want, you can read up on them, but these entries are about buring the past, not letting it linger on the face of the Earth so they can haunt me.

  Today, I no longer feel any love for Erina. Whatever she does with her life, I do wish her luck. After all, as naive as she is, she'll probably need it. What did I learn from her? Alot about myself, really. What I became was the most frightening thing I could ever imagine being, and now I know how to avoid getting to that point. What else did I learn?

  Getting cheated on SUCKS. Especially when it's with one of your supposed friends.

  Most of all, though, I learned how to say Goodbye.

  Do Svidanja, Erina...

Posted by Eric @ 10:53am, 07-10-04

  * - This is the one and only time I will publish someone's full name. To understand my hatred for Ron for what he helped bring about is to understand the demon that lives inside of me. Thanks to that hatred, I fear no backlash for publishing it. In fact, I welcome him to find me and complain - if he has the cahonies, that is... GO BACK

Said What?!?

  You know, all I can do is laugh my arse off. Really, that's the only thing I can bring myself to do. After reading what I read yesterday, I suddenly feel so much better about the way things turned out for me.

  I really hope you know what you're doing, dude. This is a step that none of us before you took, and that only one ever came close to taking. You fell into this hole, and it'll be impossible to get out of. I'll equate it to not being able to fight your way out of a wet paper bag. Yes, it's that bad. And given the multiples used, I give it eight years, tops, before you find out what a bane the whole thing really is...

  Three titles have been chosen for my "self-help" entries I have forthcoming. They are as follows:

The Destroyer
The Outsider
The Creator

  These entries will be formatted a little differently from regular Ranch posts. After all, this is my past I'm putting up here, and everything that makes me think of (or even, sometimes, relive) these people and events will be recorded here.

  Starting tomorrow (the blog format's first birthday), the Ranch will see its front page format changed temporarily. One entry will grace this index page at a time. After I've finished with all three entries, I'll start the process over again, retire those entries to the Archives, and rebuild the front page to contain its usual five days of posts. Each of the three special entries will remain on the front page for three days, after which, they will be replaced by the next one for another three days. At the end of the final three days, a fourth, "retrospective" entry will be filed, thus restarting the normal blog cycle.

  Yeah, I know. Wasn't really necessary to tell you all how the formatting for this little bit of self-therapy will go. But eh, I needed some filler. Now I gotta get my arse to work. Heritage Days is fun! Not...

Posted by Eric @ 1:56pm, 07-09-04

Do Svidanja

  Yep, that's Russian for Goodbye, which is what I'll be saying alot of in the coming days.

  If you follow the Ranch at all in any great amount, you know that this particular design and format turns one year old in three days (my first blog entry was [july 10th 2003]). In honor of that milestone, I feel it's time I put several parts of my past to rest, forever.

  You see, in order to move on an do what I want to do, I need to let go of the things that are holding me back. The best way for me to do this, I think, is to put it here at the Ranch for the world to see. For the last year, my life has been an open book to you all. Now, it's time to close a few chapters that will end up destorying me if I don't.

  In the next few days, you'll see entries devoted to three women. These women had a significant impact on me and my life. Hell, one is responsible for who I am. But these three have also dealt me a whole bunch of heartache, intentional or not, and I feel that I need to air out the stories here on the world stage.

  After that, I'll be starting something new. Part of the reason I'm doing this is to show this new person that she's not the only one with a past to cling to. A past that, in my case, needs to be put to rest in order for me to move into something serious.

  So, everyone, prepare to meet (and say do svidanja to) Erina, Liza, and Jill...

Posted by Eric @ 1:15pm, 07-07-04

In The Recovery Room

  What a weekend. I'm totally drained. And what's worse, it's not over yet. Still have to go lug PA equipment around at work, set it up, and then run the show tonight. Always lots of fun. Oh well. Such is the life of the entertainment industry lacky...

Posted by Eric @ 1:55pm, 07-06-04

Day After Day

  Ya know what? Screw ripping on Matt Day. When I think about it, it's just a colossal waste of time, really. There are better things I could be talking about than some primadonna axe man. I'll just limit it to situational circumstances outside of the Ranch domain...

  After all, I have my own band to worry about, and tomorrow night we're rocking a private party out in Morrisdale. Should be fun. Free booze, cash up front, and best of all, I've got a date.

  Yeah, sure not as terribly exciting as certain people's recent, shall we say, decisions, but I really like Kim alot. And no, I don't mean Kim, the Rowland manager, either. Totally different Kim.

Posted by Eric @ 11:04am, 07-02-04

Bring The Boys Back Home

  Despite all my hatred for George W. Bush and his war for Oil, Reconstruction Contracts and general Greed, I've always been a BIG supporter of our Armed Forces. Whether thier boss sends them to do the right job or the wrong job (like in Iraq), they're the men and women who defend my right to blab the way I do on the Ranch. For that, they have my eternal love and respect.

  And now, one of those troops is coming home to Houtzdale! Right on! On or around July 15th, Jim Schrock will rotate back to private life Stateside, and I couldn't be happier to have him home!

  Over the years, I've had few really true friends. Jim is one of them. When he gets home, you can bet there will be a big pitcher of brew waiting for him. According to him, that German beer (he's stationed there temporarily) bites him in the arse on the way down, so I'm sure he'll be happy to see a good American Lager for a change...

  So, WELCOME HOME WITZ! We'll see you at the airport, brother. And even though I don't agree with our current President and his War, I want you to know this: Thanks for doing the job, Jim. You're a credit to your uniform and your country. You, and every other man and woman who shares your duty. Thanks, bro.

  One home, only 115,000 or so to go. Let's bring the boys and girls back home...

Posted by Eric @ 2:10pm, 07-01-04


Holiday! Celebrate!

  Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to celebrate Rancho Relaxo's first sanctioned "holiday," and the good news is, it's a month long! Rock on! What's even better, since blogs are protected by the First Ammendment of the US Constitution, I'm most certainly going to be brutal.

  Announcing: Mat Day Is An Indignant Arse Month!

  Yep, that's right. I'm taking my vendetta with Mat Day one step farther, by ripping on his indignant arse all month long, capping the festivities off with his new band's first show in my area July 31st.

  Childish? Yes. Fun? You better f'n believe it, buddy! Worth it? Well, we'll find out just how much I piss bright boy off during the course of the month. Am I going to far because I didn't get a call back for an audition? I certainly don't think so. After all, it took me two weeks and a bunch of badmouthing to even get an email from his mank primadonna self.

  So, where to begin? Ahhh! Each time I make a post here at the Ranch, it'll begin with something negative about Mr. Day. And once in a while, I'll come up with something super special, especially leading up to his new band's show on the 31st. And, I'm openly encouraging Ranch readers to post all sorts of fun happy Anti-Matt-er stuff in the guestbook, and on the new band's Website.

  Speaking of the new band, I'm sure I know of a band that went by (and had copyrighted) the name "In." I'll have to dig that one up. That could be the icing on the cake, forcing them to change thier name. Thank the maker for Copyright Law classes in college.

  Now, I WANT TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. While I don't give to rats' behinds about Mr. Day, I am fond of Adam Zimmerman, the new bassist for In and former Stept On/Wake Up Screaming bassist. Adam and I are totally kosher. In fact, he's aware of my feelings towards Matt, and doesn't much care either way. For Adam's sake alone do I have any respect for In. He's a tremendous musician, and I have all the respect for him in the world.

  But Matt? He's still an indignant arse.

  Next time on Rancho Relaxo v5.0: The Email Matt sent me two weeks after the fact. Witness as he defends being completely indignant with typical rhetoric. UNEDITED!

Posted by Eric @ 1:51am, 07-01-04